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In this episode of The A to Z English Podcast, Xochitl and Jack discuss the question: Is cheating in a relationship ever justified?
Transcript:
00:00:00
Jack
Hey, A is the English podcast listeners. It’s Jack here and we just want to announce that we are now on WeChat. Our WeChat ID is A-Z English podcast that is A-Z English podcast, one word all lowercase.
00:00:17
Jack
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00:00:18
Jack
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00:00:22
Jack
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00:00:23
Jack
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00:00:49
Jack
Welcome to the Ados English podcast. My name is Jack and I’m here with my co-host social. And today we have a topic talk and social. Today’s topic is a little scandalous. The question is, can cheating in a romantic relationship ever be justified?
00:01:07
Jack
Should the couple try to work through it, or is the trust permanently broken?
00:01:15
Xochitl
Uh, I really don’t think it’s ever justified. I personally have never cheated, so I don’t understand.
00:01:24
Xochitl
It’s a decision, too, I hate when people say that it’s a mistake. I don’t think it’s a mistake. It’s a choice that people actively made and you have to live with the consequences of that choice. And I think, like, if you do want to try to work through it, then the person who cheated needs to be willing to really put in the majority of the work.
00:01:31
Jack
Right.
00:01:45
Xochitl
And.
00:01:47
Xochitl
Needs to be willing.
00:01:48
Xochitl
To see that there are going to be pretty big consequences like the that person is not going to trust you. Like for a good long while. And I I think that’s perfectly acceptable and absolutely normal. It’d be kind of weird if they suddenly did trust you, you know.
00:02:05
Jack
Yeah, I.
00:02:06
Xochitl
Again, you’ve been good.
00:02:09
Jack
Oh, sorry, I I I really hate it. When. When?
00:02:13
Jack
Like cheaters, say something like UM.
00:02:16
Jack
Well, you weren’t paying attention to me or you weren’t being attentive as a as a partner. And so I started looking in, you know, other places to get my needs met or whatever and that sort of kind of nonsense, you know, it’s like I I think this is one of those.
00:02:19
Xochitl
Ah.
00:02:36
Jack
Rare occasions where it’s like 100 zero, you know, like it’s yeah, it’s it’s 100% the cheaters fault and they they have to take full.
00:02:49
Jack
Responsibility for their actions. I I don’t think there can be any Hemming and hawing about it. It’s it’s, you know, I I think it’s such a it’s such a red flag when when a cheater starts trying to push the blame onto.
00:03:10
Jack
His or her partner for you know, making.
00:03:13
Jack
Me do that it. It reminds me of, like, domestic violence, right where the domestic abuser tries to blame the, you know, you know, I I don’t. I didn’t want to hit you. But you make me so angry, you know, and and that that’s that’s that’s just nonsense.
00:03:18
Xochitl
Ma’am.
00:03:30
Xochitl
Right, yeah.
00:03:34
Jack
Like, that’s just garbage logic and so.
00:03:38
Jack
Yeah, I I just, I just don’t. Yeah.
00:03:40
Xochitl
Yeah, I think I I’ll go. I’ll go a step further here and say that cheating is definitely a form of abuse because you have to be lying to cheat. And lying is emotional abuse by definition.
00:03:55
Xochitl
So yeah, in some ways you’re gaslighting your partner. You’re, uh, hiding information from them. You’re lying to them. You’re invalidating them constantly because you’re trying to make them think that they’re crazy when you’re cheating so that they don’t hold you accountable for your actions, and you’re blaming them and and shaming them. And it just.
00:04:17
Xochitl
It’s toxic and it is abusive in in the context. And I yeah, I just really, really am against cheating.
00:04:27
Jack
Yeah, I like he said. That’s a form of emotional abuse for sure.
00:04:32
Xochitl
Yeah.
00:04:33
Jack
And also I think that like.
00:04:36
Jack
Commitment requires again I I there. There are a few times in life where I think it’s like a 0 sum 0 sum, meaning like it’s 100% zero.
00:04:47
Jack
You know, either you’re committed to your partner or or you’re not, you know, and if you’re, if you’re always, if you’re with your partner, but you’ve always got, like, one eye kind of looking around for something better, something. It’s I I I just really hate that.
00:05:04
Xochitl
I know.
00:05:07
Jack
That kind of behavior, it reminds me of like, UM, it happens in friendships as well, where it.
00:05:15
Jack
Like you, you know, Jack, you’re good enough to hang out with at this party, but I’m going to keep my eye open looking around the the room for maybe somebody a little bit more interesting, a little bit cooler that I can go talk to. So you’re good enough in the moment.
00:05:35
Jack
But you’re not. You’re you’re not really good enough. And that’s a real self esteem killer, I I think.
00:05:45
Xochitl
Yeah, he is a self esteem killer. And then ultimately though like like dealing with cheaters and talking to them, I don’t think it’s anything about their partner not being. Obviously it’s not about the partner not not being good enough, but I don’t even think it’s about them thinking their partners and good enough. It’s like they just have this black hole in their heart and mind.
00:06:06
Xochitl
And they need like constant validation and attention from other people.
00:06:09
Xochitl
People and most of the times they can’t handle like critique. Like if something starts going wrong in a relationship instead of facing up to their responsibility and whatever is going on or talking it out with their partner. If they can’t face criticism or face.
00:06:10
Jack
Yes.
00:06:27
Xochitl
Issues when things get real, so they would rather just find a way to like escape in a sense and source their validation from someone else.
00:06:37
Jack
It’s almost like they’re they’re willing to if they don’t get what they want completely, they’re going to blow it. They’re going to blow the whole thing up.
00:06:45
Jack
You know, and that is like the most childish kind of toddler behavior. Like, it’s the ultimate. I’m taking my ball and going home kind of behavior, right? Yeah.
00:06:52
Xochitl
Yeah.
00:06:59
Jack
And it’s so immature. So, you know, I think ultimately I the second part of that question was should the couple try to work through it?
00:07:09
Jack
You know, I honestly don’t think I don’t. I just think it’s. I don’t think you can come back from that, to be honest. So at least I know that I personally cannot come back from that. Cheating is A is a a deal breaker in in my for me. So if if I were in a.
00:07:29
Jack
You know, just hypothetically, I mean I’m. I’m married. I’ve been married for 17 years, happily married. But if I’m. I’m just thinking hypothetically in like a dating situation or something. If if that happened to me, I I would just cut my losses.
00:07:47
Jack
And and and and find find a new partner like that’s. That’s ultimately where I kind of land. And it. What what about you?
00:07:56
Xochitl
I think that I that.
00:08:02
Xochitl
I how do? How do I say this?
00:08:05
Xochitl
I think that.
00:08:08
Xochitl
People who stay and try to work through it like a lot, a lot of times they get almost worse judgment than the cheater. Like people calling them stupid and stuff. And I think that’s so mean because they’re already like a victim of this horrible situation and they like, they’re really, I don’t know, forgiving people, I think. But at the same time, I I.
00:08:28
Xochitl
I do think you can’t come back for men even if you choose to try to work things out and try to come back from it or whatever, I personally think.
00:08:37
Xochitl
UM.
00:08:38
Xochitl
It’s like you can’t, like you will always remember.
00:08:44
Xochitl
When they cheated on you and it will always affect yourself esteem and you’re always going to be wondering like where they are and what they’re doing and you’re going to start behaving like a person that you don’t recognize sometimes I think.
00:08:58
Jack
Yeah, you’re gonna turn into somebody you don’t want to be like the that.
00:08:58
Xochitl
As.
00:09:01
Jack
The kind of paranoid looking under every every rock for some kind of evidence and it it it just consumes your your life and you’re you’re not really living at that point. You’re you’re you’re more consumed with this this relationship, and nobody deserves to.
00:09:22
Jack
To have to live like that.
00:09:23
Xochitl
No, no one should have to live like that. So you.
00:09:27
Xochitl
Yeah, I think, yeah. I mean, I think it’s cool to cut your losses. It’s something that it’s like cheating is very common in Mexican culture, like men, especially cheating on women. I think there’s a I think there’s also a whole sexist level to cheating where, like in marriages, it’s more common for men to cheat.
00:09:47
Xochitl
The way that society is and to get away with it or like for.
00:09:51
Xochitl
It to be acceptable anyway.
00:09:54
Xochitl
To some.
00:09:54
Jack
This is like the the boys will be boys kind of mentality.
00:09:57
Xochitl
Yes, and men will be mankind equality. But I think that’s.
00:09:59
Jack
I need that you.
00:10:01
Xochitl
I feel like that’s true in at least every culture that I’m familiar with. To some extent, you know, and I don’t. I definitely understand why people, especially people who already have kids or who are like, have been married for a long time, why they would like, want and try to work through it.
00:10:07
Jack
Hmm.
00:10:21
Xochitl
Like I definitely understand.
00:10:23
Jack
Yeah, that’s true.
00:10:26
Xochitl
Yeah, but at the same time, like I if anyone is ever in that situation, I would say don’t like, just don’t just cut your losses. You’ll you’ll always regret investing more time in fixing things than just moving on to a new relationship where you could have all the trust and respect that.
00:10:46
Xochitl
You should have had from the start and deserved in someone else that will respect you and care about you and.
00:10:57
Xochitl
Be a reliable person that you can actually trust.
00:11:00
Jack
Yeah, and. And and cheating when you have kids is really a a new, just a deeper. Yeah. Like a new low. Like, that’s about as low as you can go. Because I mean you.
00:11:07
Xochitl
Low.
00:11:14
Jack
The the psychic damage that you can that it that infidelity causes children is it has a ripple effect that that will go will last throughout their lives as well. So your selfish act is actually.
00:11:34
Jack
Affecting your children’s lives and their happiness and and their future relationships. So even from that, from that point of view, it’s almost just inexcusable.
00:11:47
Xochitl
Yeah. And it also it’s traumatic to be cheated on. Like, I know that a lot of people might be like, oh, that’s an overreaction or whatever, but it’s not literally like.
00:11:56
Xochitl
It’s it’s traumatizing, and someone that you’re supposed to love and trust and all this and the person that you’re supposed to believe the most in, like when you’re in a committed relationship, just throws all of that trust and belief in the trash and sacrifices your self esteem and your self worth and.
00:12:17
Xochitl
Everything that you’ve poured into the relationship just to cheat on you, it is very traumatizing and so.
00:12:27
Xochitl
It’s like someone can be so selfish that they don’t even.
00:12:34
Xochitl
Don’t even think about how it’s gonna affect others like, but rather than just breaking up or going their separate ways or something, they’d rather put you in such a painful situation is just a selfish.
00:12:48
Xochitl
Turd.
00:12:53
Xochitl
Yeah, it’s like, what a, what? A turd man. It’s just that bad, you know? So it’s like, I don’t know. I. So I think for me, yeah. I mean, sure you can get past it and all this, but it’s really low. I remember there.
00:12:56
Jack
Yeah.
00:13:07
Xochitl
Was it? I don’t know if you have you ever seen the try, guys? They’re like the YouTube group of four different.
00:13:12
Jack
Ohh yeah I’m I’m.
00:13:13
Jack
Familiar with that YouTube channel? Yeah.
00:13:15
Xochitl
Well, there was a.
00:13:16
Xochitl
Guy named Ned in it and.
00:13:19
Jack
Ohh yeah, this scandal. Couple years ago I remember this one.
00:13:23
Xochitl
He would only talk about his wife like he loved his wife and he would always talk about his wife all the time on the show and he was known as the wife Guy of the Try Guys and I really liked Ned and Ariel’s relationship and I was like, Oh well, I hope I find someone who who loves me that much someday and who I love that.
00:13:43
Xochitl
That’s interest.
00:13:44
Xochitl
So much and I was like, they seem like really happy and everything. And then he was cheating on Ariel with a coworker and she has like, two kids by him. And he publicly cheated on her, like, the way that she found out was like, some fan saw him with this other girl, like dancing at a club and posted pictures of it on Reddit.
00:14:04
Jack
Yeah.
00:14:06
Xochitl
And like, that’s how she found out. And like the level of horribleness and like selfishness and everything.
00:14:13
Xochitl
Like how low can you be?
00:14:16
Jack
Yeah, yeah, just a a worm. You know, just a belly crawl.
00:14:21
Xochitl
Yeah.
00:14:22
Jack
You know.
00:14:23
Xochitl
And then like they are, they stayed together anyway. I believe in and trying to work it out.
00:14:29
Xochitl
And I just like.
00:14:30
Xochitl
I feel bad for Ariel because I mean it. Ultimately it’s her choice, so I shouldn’t say ohh I feel bad for her. But like what it mean is like when you’re cheated on in such a public context and then and you have the kids and everything and.
00:14:43
Xochitl
I just feel like she can do so much better than this worthless worm of a man, you know, like, yeah.
00:14:48
Jack
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Someone that’s willing to just to to just blow the foundations out from under your your marriage. Your relation.
00:14:57
Jack
Chip, what? Whatever compels a person to do that is there’s a it’s pathological, you know? It’s it’s it, it it’s it defies logic. I I just can’t wrap my mind around it almost. You know, what would? What would compel someone to just.
00:15:15
Xochitl
Yeah.
00:15:20
Jack
I guess maybe and and the fact that what made it worse is that he, you know, he was the the marriage guy. You know, so.
00:15:26
발표자
Oh.
00:15:27
Xochitl
I know only talking about his wife, John Mulaney, who’s a famous comedian, also did like something very similar, apparently.
00:15:35
Xochitl
It’s just trash like, you know, thinking about these men that are, like, always parading around about their wives and everything and the whole time they’re just like these worm cheaters. Like it really. It really took me when I found out that news, I was like, what a nasty turd.
00:15:53
Jack
Yeah, and. And a lot of a lot of.
00:15:55
Jack
Times the.
00:15:56
Jack
Is the the reason they give is because I can.
00:16:02
Jack
Which that that is so dark to me. That kind of thinking, you know, is is.
00:16:08
Xochitl
Bro like I could kill him right now. Sorry. That’s that’s a little much for the podcast. I could be. I could, like, push someone off a Cliff if figuratively. If I wanted to. But like, you don’t do it because you’re a human being and you like you don’t. Why would you do something like that? It’s so dark to think like there’s no limit.
00:16:29
Xochitl
OK, this this is one thing that that one of the reasons that I think you shouldn’t stay with the cheater like one of the big thing.
00:16:35
Xochitl
Is that I watch a lot of true crime and almost every man who’s murdered his like pregnant wife or wife or whatever was a cheater. First they cheated first and they were cheating. They had, like, there’s either lots of instances of cheating in their relationship, like Lacey Peterson with Scott Peterson, like Scott Peterson cheated on her multiple times before he killed her.
00:16:43
Jack
Yeah, yeah.
00:16:56
Jack
Chris Watts, yeah.
00:16:58
Xochitl
Watts was cheating all these like family Annihilators, and it’s just nasty. Like they were cheaters also. And that really makes you think about it. Like when you said it gets dark like cause I can. It’s like, yeah.
00:16:59
Jack
Yeah.
00:17:14
Xochitl
Because they can like.
00:17:18
Xochitl
Yeah, yeah. There’s no limit to how far they’ll go. Like, sometimes it’s a slippery slope, and someone who’s willing to cheat on you. And like, why do you betray you in that way and put your health at risk? In many instances, that physical health and emotional health.
00:17:35
Xochitl
How far are they really, truly willing to go? You have no idea.
00:17:39
Jack
Sometimes they’re willing to go so far to cover up their their indiscretions that they’ll commit murder. You know, now this is obviously that’s a the a very small percentage, but.
00:17:46
Xochitl
Yeah.
00:17:48
Xochitl
Sleep and but.
00:17:51
Jack
Yeah, it’s, yeah.
00:17:52
Xochitl
But still pretty much all these family Annihilators were cheaters. So think about that. Alright, listeners. Well, let us know what you think about cheating in the comments. I’m definitely curious to know. Do you think that cheating’s ever justifiable?
00:17:56
Jack
Yeah, yeah.
00:17:59
Jack
Yeah. Well, there we go.
00:18:10
Xochitl
A. Do you have a a dark black and white thinking like Jack and I have about? Yeah, let us know in the comments. We’re very interested in now. So leave us a comment down below at A-Z with podcast.com. Shoot us an e-mail at at Oz with podcast@gmail.com and join the China WhatsApp groups to join our conversation and talk to Jack and I directly.
00:18:31
Xochitl
Remember that Jack and I are now hosting an English corner for $10, around 10 USD, or 80 RMB a month, so you get.
00:18:41
Xochitl
20 uh English corner sessions with Jack and I for that quantity, and you get to talk with other English speakers every single day that Monday through Friday. And yeah, there are a lot of perks and there’s a lot of cool people who speak really great English and we have really fun discussion.
00:19:01
Xochitl
Questions. So make sure to shoot this message if you would be interested in that and we’ll see you next.
00:19:07
Xochitl
Time. Bye bye.
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